Baby blues hit me way harder than I thought possible, this time around. I mean once you become a multiple Mamma you’ve basically gone pro, right? I really feel I’m through the worst of it now though. The haze is lifting and my thoughts are much clearer and logical. To the point that when my brother offered to baby sit the other week I said YES!
It’s ok to say Yes!
Actually the truth is I recoiled and blurted out my usual ‘oh no, no, it’s okay. Thank you though.’ Then walked away and instantly regretted it. And in all honesty normally I really would have been ok and knowing the offer was there would have been enough. Never ever to be accepted, but it would have been enough. But, recently those go to responses have felt less natural. I’ve been craving the interactions of other adults. Desperately yearning for some one on one time with Yiannis. Secretly, silently and hopelessly just wanting to opt ‘out’.
Not out of life or my position as mum and wife (ow nice little rhymage). But out, out. Out of hibernation, out of my daily routine, my mum bun, the ritual sweat pants I wear day in and day out. I love being mum and married to Yiannis, but I really want to re-introduce ‘me’ back into the equation. The vivacious, bubbly old me that seemed to feel the need to check out once ‘maternity’ entered the equation.
And so, for the first time possibly in my entire life, I spun around on my heels and went back on my initial reaction. I could never have let go like this with Theon. And at first that made me feel bad for Penelope. Because things are different with her compared to how they were with her older brother. But as my head spun a million rotations a second, evaluating EVERYTHING, just as I could feel my heart race and my chest threaten to explode I realised. Different isn’t bad, different is just, well different. And that’s ok! It’s true he had me 100%, 100% of the time, but she has him and in someways she has so much more. Me opting out of mummy duties every once in a while is not me checking out. It’s me revitalising so, that on my return I’m a more concentrated, fluid, basically less ratty version of their mum.
Firsts
So, for the first time in almost 2 and a half yrs I went out, out! Child free on a date with my husband. I’m not going to lie I frantically wondered what to do? Where to go? What to talk about? If we still liked each other’s child-free company! We went to the Westend; ate out somewhere with seating upstairs. Because we didn’t have a buggy to lug or kids bonces to monitor and herd away from danger or other people’s feet. We went to the theatre as only adults without young children and babies can. And for one night I was an anybody I wanted to be. I didn’t have to cook Theon friendly tea or bathe spaghetti out of the sproglets hair nor tell a million and one bedtime tales to negotiate sleep. For the first time ever since becoming ‘mum’ I said “goodbye, see you later” to the kids and we survived. They possibly even thrived!
T had fun hanging out with his cousin and bestie, P learnt to take a bottle and me, well I learnt to let go! Ok not completely but a little, just enough to feel lighter, a little bouncier in my step and content in being me, being mum.
I’d normally close here, but before I send you all my love and sign off with a kiss I just want to dedicate this to my bestie, my better half and long suffering husband. Here’s to more midnight walks and tube chats, shared margaritas and naked burritos, here’s to us, me and you.
Much love,
Berrit x
