I’ve been wanting to write you for a while now, in fact I had plans to document our entire journey; this one we’re on just you and me. Yet lately I’ve been finding it increasingly hard to find the words, any in fact (I can hear friends and family scoffing); you see my sweet it’s totally unlike me. Or at least it’s totally unlike my original incarnation, that of the girl I was before you and your brother but, she’s the girl that’s remained frozen and ingrained in their minds.
Let me fill you in… Over the years there have been some deep dips and voluptuous curves to life and with your pending arrival I feel that I’m as close as ever now to completely boxing up and putting away those past events, despite them having possibly formed me in some parts a long the way but, I don’t need to hold on to them anymore; like ex-boyfriends, impulsively purchased expensive shoes, disappointing job promotions and epic, drunken nights out… All things you are yet to experience and endure. But… there was always going to be a ‘but’ wasn’t there? With the fading lows has also come a dipping trend in the counter balancing highs. I’ve regressed into myself a lot more and become less vocal. I’m certain you sense my silence, I feel you wriggle and jiggle inside like you’re desperate for my attention and I’m here my love. I’ve just been watching more this time around, like a voyeur to my own life and those (including you) in it, rather than an active participant and for that I’m sorry! This pregnancy has rushed past so quickly I’ve not had the time to catch up with myself, let alone you. And yet I’ve so, so much to say. So much to tell you and oh so many wrongs I want to right before you arrive, but, mummy just doesn’t have the energy! It’s my voice you see I can’t get it to scream loud enough, to be heard because the words won’t articulate themselves into functioning, no not functioning, triggering, divisive sentences. I’ve spent so long with my head down, keeping my nose clean and grafting on the basic needs of our little unit that I’ve forgotten how to play the bigger game and so I’m trying to learn so that I can then teach you!
There’s a Joni Mitchel song (one of many Grandpa and I will introduce you to) that resonates so much with how I’m feeling, that recently a couple of the verses have been spinning on repeat in my mind (apologies if they’ve kept you up!):
They shake their heads, they say I’ve changed
Well something’s lost, but something’s gained
In living every day.
From win and lose and still somehow
It’s life’s illusions I recall
I really don’t know life at all”