Right now I should be studying, in less than 72 hours my next assignment needs to be submitted and within that time I need to complete 5 weeks worth of work. I’m Sorry, but today I didn’t want to wait my turn, to be tired or to mum.
It just seems to be one big heart break at the moment. My kids are my life, my everything. My need to breathe and the reason why I wake up (sometimes whether I want to or not) every day. But just lately I feel like I’m living in a gnarly whirlwind of screamy, pooey, mess. That I’ve been captured against my will by a bunch of unrelenting savages. And the worst of it all. It’s…all…my..fault! It’s all my own doing, I’ve created these beasts. And I just wanna call time, just for 5 solid seconds, please let me off this ride! Just leave me the fuck alone!
I just want to be a regular student for a day. To go out and lavish myself with some over priced, floral stationary. To set it out all neat on a desk that I’ve not had to negotiate a small persons bottom off. To open my laptop without trying to workout how to clean off all the sticky finger prints from it’s screen before I can start to type. Today I want to procrastinate or at the very least think without my brain hurting, without having to stop every five minutes to breastfeed a teething Penelope or tell Theon for the 100th time to climb down off of the fire place. For everyone to understand that the wooden giraffes brought back from South Africa don’t belong in the train box and that actually even though you’ve knocked the nose off one of them, they still mean a lot to me and that I like them very much where they are (on the mantle piece)!!!!!
Then Theon turns to me asking; “Mama, what do Giraffe’s say?” and we all look at each other (Dad and P included) as if to say “What the fuck DO Giraffes say?” and then you break wind and Dad cracks a dad joke in Greek, commending you on your perfect Giraffe impression, and we all fall down into fits of laughter like a really bad Scooby Doo ending. And then it’s time for tea, time for baths, time for bed…
It’s while the savages sleep that the real fuckery starts! It’s finally MY turn, I get out my notes to study, set up the laptop, grumbling as I go and then I hear it… the gentle hum of sleeping babies; worn out but content. As I smile and exhale some relief, all I can think of is how much I miss them (they’ve literally only been konked out for 10mins)! How much I don’t want to be a student in the quiet right now, I just want to be their mama and watch them snore and worry ever so slightly (quite a bit) about THEIR grades (Theon’s not even 3) and if they’re going to be ok at school and how sorry I feel that for even a second I ever considered not wanting to mum. Because even though I am much more, being mum is my greatest, most proudest achievement. Whether I’m perfect at it or not!
What the fuck is perfect anyway?!
So, for now being a mediocre student and an E for effort mum is fine, I may wish to reassess this in the morning though, once they’re both awake! And that’s fine too!
Berrit (mummy, wife, blogger, part-time student, full-time worrier) x
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