Mum Guilt: Will He Ever Forgive Me?

Filmed in part the week before she was born, this was me and my boy’s announcement video for the arrival of his sister. And despite the fact there are only seven days separating that moment and this, even though I know the mum guilt had set in long before tonight and even with the excuse ‘she’s as much our gift to him as she is to ourselves’, right now I know our relationship has changed and that the real secret is: I’m not sure he’ll ever forgive me.

It’s just before 3.30am, I’m waiting up to apply his next dose of antibiotic eye cream. Or what feels like a further lashing of mum guilt! A reoccurring eye infection has been further aggravated by the fact that he hasn’t stop crying since we brought the baby home. Crying because she wasn’t the puppy he had been hoping for, crying because the baby in the belly game was actually real life; had he known he wouldn’t have encouraged it, crying because she now suckles from ‘his’ doodie, crying because she cries and because he’s no longer automatically first in line for comfort, crying because it won’t ever be just me and him and because like me no matter how much we love her, that tiny, little, beautiful baby feels like the most gigantic mountain between us!

Cream applied, my baby girl now needs me, she’s hungry!  Sat sore on stitches, with her in my arms and wincing as my uterus contracts, I’m smiling through hormonal tears feeling quite proud of myself and these babes I’ve made.  Watching her latched on where her brother once nursed, she’s the spit of him. The guilt still strong eases a bit with every inward guzzle she takes. I can watch her far more calmly than I ever could him: no longer my babe, but always my first!

As her limbs begin to  flop and her soft spot starts to pop back up that ever present guilt ebbs. I start to think of the future of how pretty certain I am that like me and my brothers she’s going to be the best of friends with hers because even though it is an end of an era, at twenty months he won’t forgive me and I probably will have to get that puppy (to make us all feel better), but he’ll forget and she’ll become so ingrained in his life that his love for her will be no different than his love for me or his dad.  As long past all this (twenty months is a blip in the long haul of life) the biggest problem will always be me as I’ll never forget because I’m his mum and this guilt is a burden I’ll always have to bare, knowing that I evolved our lives and sacrificed the relationship we had the way it was just me and him so that we three could be one more;

The Boos and The Berrit, Plus Dad to make four! xxxx

 

8 Comments

  1. Mary
    12th July 2018 / 5:26 pm

    Exactly how I felt gorgeous girl, but then I went back and had another.
    We will always have mother’s guilt!! No matter what…..
    But I see them all now, 4.5yrs, 2.5yrs and 1yr playing together and you know you have done the right thing..they will always have a bond and be the best of friends Just know you have made two special and gorgeous humans…!
    Here’s to your gorgeous babies and to possibly a third Boo!!!!

    • Booberrit
      Author
      13th July 2018 / 12:15 am

      Love you, needed that! 😘

  2. 15th July 2018 / 2:26 am

    Oh darling, this guilt is so so naturally. Although it doesn’t make it easier. And of course, he’ll forgive you. He is still so little and soon he’ll forget what life was like before his little sister came on the scene. And they will be the best of friends. You’ll watch them play together or walk hand in hand and you’ll wonder why you ever felt guilty. But we’re mums and we do feel guilty. That is a sign that we are amazing Mums and we love our children so much. Because no matter what we do for them it will never be enough. You’re an amazing mummy. Never forget that. Hugs Lucy xxxx

    • Booberrit
      Author
      16th July 2018 / 3:32 am

      Thanks so much! I’m sure the hormones enhance the feelings and that he probably doesn’t feel as bad as I do, but he’s my first and we’ve become such buddies…Although I think I’m gonna get relegated once Penelope is a bit more robust and can run about with him! 🙂

  3. 16th July 2018 / 3:12 pm

    Oh it’s a shame you feel that way! I’m sure they will become the best of friends and you’ll always still have a special relationship with your children regardless of how many you may have! Growing up me and my siblings never even thought about blaming our mum for having more of it, it was great!!

    • Booberrit
      Author
      17th July 2018 / 4:17 am

      I think you’re right! I think the biggest pain of being a mum though, is watching your babies grow up, its inevitable however you can’t help but see them as your babies no matter how big they get-I’m definitely gonna be that annoying over baring mother! lol

  4. 16th July 2018 / 4:59 pm

    I’m sure they’ll become best friends over time! I’m an only child and always wished I had a brother or sister to keep my company.

    • Booberrit
      Author
      17th July 2018 / 4:15 am

      Aw, thank you for your lovely comment! I think you’re right.

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