Mum Guilt: Will He Ever Forgive Me?

Filmed in part the week before she was born, this was me and my boy’s announcement video for the arrival of his sister. And despite the fact there are only seven days separating that moment and this, even though I know the mum guilt had set in long before tonight and even with the excuse ‘she’s as much our gift to him as she is to ourselves’, right now I know our relationship has changed and that the real secret is: I’m not sure he’ll ever forgive me.

It’s just before 3.30am, I’m waiting up to apply his next dose of antibiotic eye cream. Or what feels like a further lashing of mum guilt! A reoccurring eye infection has been further aggravated by the fact that he hasn’t stop crying since we brought the baby home. Crying because she wasn’t the puppy he had been hoping for, crying because the baby in the belly game was actually real life; had he known he wouldn’t have encouraged it, crying because she now suckles from ‘his’ doodie, crying because she cries and because he’s no longer automatically first in line for comfort, crying because it won’t ever be just me and him and because like me no matter how much we love her, that tiny, little, beautiful baby feels like the most gigantic mountain between us!

Cream applied, my baby girl now needs me, she’s hungry!  Sat sore on stitches, with her in my arms and wincing as my uterus contracts, I’m smiling through hormonal tears feeling quite proud of myself and these babes I’ve made.  Watching her latched on where her brother once nursed, she’s the spit of him. The guilt still strong eases a bit with every inward guzzle she takes. I can watch her far more calmly than I ever could him: no longer my babe, but always my first!

As her limbs begin to  flop and her soft spot starts to pop back up that ever present guilt ebbs. I start to think of the future of how pretty certain I am that like me and my brothers she’s going to be the best of friends with hers because even though it is an end of an era, at twenty months he won’t forgive me and I probably will have to get that puppy (to make us all feel better), but he’ll forget and she’ll become so ingrained in his life that his love for her will be no different than his love for me or his dad.  As long past all this (twenty months is a blip in the long haul of life) the biggest problem will always be me as I’ll never forget because I’m his mum and this guilt is a burden I’ll always have to bare, knowing that I evolved our lives and sacrificed the relationship we had the way it was just me and him so that we three could be one more;

The Boos and The Berrit, Plus Dad to make four! xxxx

 

Lucy At Home UK parenting blogger

19 Comments

  1. Mary
    12th July 2018 / 5:26 pm

    Exactly how I felt gorgeous girl, but then I went back and had another.
    We will always have mother’s guilt!! No matter what…..
    But I see them all now, 4.5yrs, 2.5yrs and 1yr playing together and you know you have done the right thing..they will always have a bond and be the best of friends Just know you have made two special and gorgeous humans…!
    Here’s to your gorgeous babies and to possibly a third Boo!!!!

    • Booberrit
      Author
      13th July 2018 / 12:15 am

      Love you, needed that! 😘

  2. 15th July 2018 / 2:26 am

    Oh darling, this guilt is so so naturally. Although it doesn’t make it easier. And of course, he’ll forgive you. He is still so little and soon he’ll forget what life was like before his little sister came on the scene. And they will be the best of friends. You’ll watch them play together or walk hand in hand and you’ll wonder why you ever felt guilty. But we’re mums and we do feel guilty. That is a sign that we are amazing Mums and we love our children so much. Because no matter what we do for them it will never be enough. You’re an amazing mummy. Never forget that. Hugs Lucy xxxx

    • Booberrit
      Author
      16th July 2018 / 3:32 am

      Thanks so much! I’m sure the hormones enhance the feelings and that he probably doesn’t feel as bad as I do, but he’s my first and we’ve become such buddies…Although I think I’m gonna get relegated once Penelope is a bit more robust and can run about with him! 🙂

  3. 16th July 2018 / 3:12 pm

    Oh it’s a shame you feel that way! I’m sure they will become the best of friends and you’ll always still have a special relationship with your children regardless of how many you may have! Growing up me and my siblings never even thought about blaming our mum for having more of it, it was great!!

    • Booberrit
      Author
      17th July 2018 / 4:17 am

      I think you’re right! I think the biggest pain of being a mum though, is watching your babies grow up, its inevitable however you can’t help but see them as your babies no matter how big they get-I’m definitely gonna be that annoying over baring mother! lol

  4. 16th July 2018 / 4:59 pm

    I’m sure they’ll become best friends over time! I’m an only child and always wished I had a brother or sister to keep my company.

    • Booberrit
      Author
      17th July 2018 / 4:15 am

      Aw, thank you for your lovely comment! I think you’re right.

  5. Sam
    22nd July 2018 / 11:43 am

    This was beautifully written and very moving! X

    • Booberrit
      Author
      22nd July 2018 / 1:58 pm

      Thank you! X

  6. 5th September 2018 / 11:23 pm

    What a moving post. I relate to this hard as there is only 18 months between my eldest and I spent so long guilty that I could no longer cuddle him to sleep and convinced he would hate his brother fo it . At 18 and 16 now the genuinely are one anothers best friends
    congratulations , someone loved this post so much they added it to our #blogcrush linky

    • Booberrit
      Author
      6th September 2018 / 12:34 pm

      Thank you so much! It also means a lot to know someone else relates! My two are already starting to bond I hope they become the best of friends like your pair!

  7. 7th September 2018 / 8:24 pm

    Never really thought about it before but this is something every sibling experienced at some point. I was the younger kid in the family, but I remember my parents’ stories about my sister making a mess the moment they brought me in. Not sure what to make of it, so I usually simply brush it off with a smile, hahaha

    • Booberrit
      Author
      7th September 2018 / 8:36 pm

      Yeah my little boys far too young for him to ever remember…but was a way bigger learning curve (emotionally)for me than I’d ever anticipated!… just 2 months in though and they are adorable together! ☺️

  8. Emily
    7th September 2018 / 8:54 pm

    There’s always something to feel guilty about. I felt guilty that my second didn’t get the one on one time that my first got. We feel guilty because we care and love them so much. My first loves having a little sister, especially now she’s on the move. Constantly making each other laugh and they will always be there for each other x

    • Booberrit
      Author
      7th September 2018 / 10:23 pm

      That’s lovely, what a pair of cuties! ☺️

  9. TJ
    7th September 2018 / 8:55 pm

    Wow with our 2nd due in just over a week this resonates. Glad you have confidence it’ll come right. #dadguilt

    • Booberrit
      Author
      7th September 2018 / 10:26 pm

      Thank you! They’re already partners in crime, it’s so much fun watching them play together! ☺️

  10. Emily
    7th September 2018 / 9:58 pm

    Ps nothing to forgive x

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